I find that I start a lot of my blog posts these days assuring my readers that I am not, in fact, dead. This time, I’ve been off the radar because my life since returning to San Francisco has been consumed by studying for the bar exam, such that the only activities I have energy for in my free time are eating and crying.
Okay, I’m being dramatic. I’ve also had time for exercise. Sometimes I multi-task by eating and crying at the same time, or by crying while exercising.
Yeah, it’s really not been the best experience, this whole bar thing. I won’t sugar coat it for you, or even Nutrasweet it for you (gross): I hate the bar, and I am pretty sure the bar hates me.
When I started my bar classes, I had this fuzzy idea that I’d just go into the lectures every day and Barbri (the bar exam prep company) would somehow program me into knowing everything that I needed to know, either through osmosis or else some sort of implanted computer chip process. It made sense in my head.
In any case, I thought that I’d walk in, sit down, watch the lecture, and walk out knowing everything I needed to know about torts, crimes, remedies, corporations, agency and partnership, contracts, real property, civil procedure, evidence, community property, and constitutional law, and it would be fine, and I’d still have time for reality TV and long, contemplative walks along the beach.
Things haven’t worked out that way. In fact, Barbri has told me, in no uncertain terms, that the first two essays I handed in for grading were of “fail” quality. That’s right, fail. Not to sound like a total type-A-hole here, but I have never in my life had a paper handed back to me with the actual word FAIL on it (in red pen, no less!). FAIL! I just graduated from Harvard, Barbri! What the hell?!
I get it, I get it, I need to get over myself and put my nose to the grindstone and the pedal to the metal and the rubber to the road and whatever other weird, car-oriented metaphor you prefer. I’m trying to do that, honestly. But I’m suddenly realizing that it’s hard to motivate when everything isn’t going your way, academically speaking. It’s scary.
Anyway, I’ve been trying to keep a tenuous grasp on what remains of my sanity by scheduling yoga twice a week, going to the gym, and still making time for reality TV. The other night, for example, I hosted a dinner party for my dear friends John and Helen, and we had the real treat of watching the MTV abomination “Is She Really Going Out With Him?,” a reality show dedicated entirely to the travails of semi-pretty girls who date d-bags with frosted tips. It’s the little things that keep me going.
Right now, I am taking the opportunity to have a glass of wine while waiting for dinner (pea soup lovingly cooked by my dad) because I finished a three-hour “performance test” that I have to turn into Barbri for grading. I am really hoping I don’t fail this one, because I’m not sure my self-esteem can take it. I hope someone from Barbri is reading this right now so they can take my fragile emotional state into consideration while grading my (brilliant) answer.
Pray for me.