Monday, May 21, 2007


I hate it when people say Cali. I think it sounds way more real to say 'fornia. It'll catch on, once people realize how stupid they sound saying Cali. Posers.

Anyway I'm back in 'fornia now, after the longest, most malodorous flight I've suffered through in a while. Part of it was that I got on the plane in Boston feeling not on the top of my game - I had taken a swig of NyQuil pre-check-in because I had a horrible sore throat and wanted something to coat it, and no hot chocolate was immediately on hand, but then I ended up spilling the NyQuil all over my backpack and my hands and I think I may have had a NyQuil mustache when I did curbside check-in. I'm sure they've seen worse.

So here's what happened on the plane:

- I had to sit between two people and the guy on the aisle sighed loudly and looked hugely put-out when I politely asked to go to the bathroom. I only went three times during a 6.5-7 hour flight, which to me seems reasonable, but apparently to him was totally extravagent and self-indulgent of me. Oh, also, he had bad breath, and ordered three mini bottles of vodka when the beverages cart came around. THREE.
- The guy in front of me complained to the sassy male flight attendant that his seatbelt had become unhinged from the seat (and therefore was attached to nothing, and thus would not really protect him in the event of a collision with a mountain), and the flight attendant, who apparently was taking a page out of the playbook of the dude sitting next to me, sighed loudly and made it clear that the passenger was being a HUGE pain in the butt. He said something to the effect of, "Take your pills, sir," under his breath, and went and got a wrench to fix the errant seatbelt.
- After fixing the seatbelt, the flight attendant then proceeded to the back of the plane to complain loudly about the passenger, which was overheard by said passenger, since we were sitting approximately 2 feet from the back of the plane. Hearing the flight attendant mock him pissed off the complaining passenger (let's call him CP), who then got up from his seat, marched two feet to the back of the plane and accused the flight attendant of not taking passegners' concerns seriously.
- The flight attendant, I swear, then said this: "Sir, you need to sit down RIGHT NOW or you will be in violation of FAA regulations." CP said, "Well I just want to know why you were making fun of me for pointing out that my seatbelt wasn't working." Flight attendant: "Sir, SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW. I have asked you ONCE, do NOT make me ask you again. I am going to get your NAME and report you to the FAA." CP: "I'll give you my name, buddy, I'll save you the trouble." FA: "Don't even worry about it, sir, I'll get your name myself."
- Mini air-rage drama played out for 2 minutes or so more. Other passengers remained rapt.
- Plane finally f***ing landed.

My parents picked me up and we went back to their house in San Francisco, which is where I am sitting now. This morning, by the way, I woke up feeling much better about the world because I am back on the West Coast, it's gorgeous and sunny, and on my walk down to Ocean Beach today I saw two homeless people who looked like 1930's-style hobos get into a trash-throwing fight with each other. I think one actually threw a banana peel at the other one. Not that being a hobo is funny, but come on. Banana peel fight? Man, I love San Francisco.

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